TCPM 15

 

Chapter 15

This hesitation and recurrence had persisted for a long time, causing Xu Qingchu to toss and turn, turning thousands of thoughts over in her mind.

At the beginning of the year, her mentor, Xu Yaoyao, fell terminally ill beyond the reach of medicine. Traveling day and night, Xu Qingchu rushed back to Fengzhou, where she managed to catch a final glimpse. Xu Yaoyao was over sixty years old—an age that would make her a great-grandmother in an ordinary household—and she faced birth, old age, illness, and death with complete equanimity. Having no children of her own and only a few students, Xu Yaoyao favored Xu Qingchu the most, imparting all the knowledge of her lifetime to her and leaving behind her accumulated life's work. Xu Qingchu viewed her like a mother, keeping vigil by her sickbed without even untangling her robes, terrified of missing a single moment.

When Xu Yaoyao woke up, it was already night. Feeling unprecedentedly well, she tried to sit up. Filled with grief and knowing this must be a flash of lucidity before death, Xu Qingchu wiped her tears and hurriedly went to support her. Xu Yaoyao had matters to entrust. Having originated from a merchant background with businesses spanning the entire world, she had traveled far and wide, seen all kinds of tempests, and had long since arranged her affairs in advance. Her several students were assigned to separately manage trade caravans, storefronts, and armed guards; only Xu Qingchu was the chess piece she had embedded into the imperial court—her closing-disciple student and the next generation's lead wolf.

Speaking intermittently, Xu Yaoyao let her dry hand rest gently on Xu Qingchu's cheek, stroking it softly. Xu Qingchu listened, feeling that familiar warmth and attachment as she affectionately rubbed her cheek against the palm of her mentor's hand.

"Qingchu, I have already entrusted everything that needs to be handed over to you all; the path ahead is one you must walk yourselves..."

"Teacher..."

"Don't cry, don't cry..." Xu Yaoyao gently brushed away her tears and softly asked, "Teacher doesn't have much time left. Everything that should be said has been said—is there anything else you wish to ask?"

Swallowing back her tears with great effort, Xu Qingchu hesitated for a moment before finally voicing the question she had harbored for so long: "Ever since your youth, you established this grand ambition, and now, after more than forty years, have you never once wavered?"

Xu Yaoyao's weathered eyes looked past Xu Qingchu to gaze at her own journey, reflecting with deep emotion: "Forty years—how could I have never wavered? Ambition is something lofty and distant, neither seen nor touched, merely a very, very distant speck of light... That light was too faint, sometimes so dim it couldn't be clearly discerned... At times, I would also wonder, what is the point of doing so much and suffering so many hardships? If I were to let go of all this, the wealth I possess would be more than enough for me to enjoy a life of pleasure. Yet when I walked through the countryside and traveled across the fields, seeing corpses littering the earth and jackals ruling the land, I knew I had to do something, otherwise my conscience could never find peace—after all, I had seen what a place with light looked like..."

"What did it look like?" Xu Qingchu asked in astonishment, never having imagined such an answer.

When Xu Yaoyao spoke these words, she didn't look like a dying old person at all; her eyes were brimming with a brilliant light. "In my youth, I once entered a Nanke dream, dreaming of abundant harvests of plump grain with fields overflowing with abundance, dreaming of towers a hundred feet high rising straight into the clouds, dreaming of everyone having warm clothes to wear and sufficient food to eat, the elderly cared for, the able-bodied put to productive use, and the young provided with education. Do you know what a world of universal harmony (datong) is like? I have actually seen it."

"Perhaps that was merely a dream?"

"Was it Zhuangzi dreaming of a butterfly, or the butterfly dreaming of Zhuangzi? I can no longer tell. The light in that dream was too bright—so bright that I could no longer endure the darkness and filth of this world. If there is no light here, then I will chisel open a crack in the heavens to let the light shine in! To pursue this single dream, I have hesitated throughout my entire life, and raising you all to inherit my ambition is also my own selfish desire. If there is any resentment, then blame me instead," Xu Yaoyao sighed.

"No!" Xu Qingchu urgently clutched Xu Yaoyao's hand. "If not for you, none of us would even know where we perished; you gave us everything, and this path was one we chose ourselves—how could there be any room for resentment?"

Xu Yaoyao patted her head and laughed lowly. "It's fine. When you can no longer walk on, you may blame me, you may hate me—just as long as you remember your origins and know where you are heading. When you feel lost, remember to step down from the high platform and look at the suffering common masses."

"I understand, I will remember," Xu Qingchu's tears finally fell unstoppably. She straightened her posture slightly and gently leaned into Xu Yaoyao's embrace, allowing Xu Yaoyao to hold her.

With great effort, Xu Yaoyao raised her hand to affectionately pat her back. She was leaving all too heavy a burden and expectation upon the young Xu Qingchu; the road ahead was one Xu Qingchu would have to walk entirely alone. It was a sheer cliff path with no visible end, where a fall could happen at any moment—every step walked on thin ice with trembling caution. She couldn't bear to do it, yet she had no other choice.

"Teacher..." Xu Qingchu spoke within her embrace with a tear-choked voice. "Teacher, I think I have fallen in place with someone I shouldn't love."

"Is it that Princess Kangning?" Xu Yaoyao asked gently.

"You... knew?" Xu Qingchu knelt upright, carefully observing Xu Yaoyao's expression.

Xu Yaoyao still wore a smile, asking with a trace of teasing amusement: "Is she good? Is she good to you?"

"Good..." Xu Qingchu lowered her head, as a sudden surge of grievance welled up within her, rendering her speechless.

"That is wonderful. If the difficult road can be walked alongside someone, it won't feel quite so lonely... Are you afraid? Afraid that she will change? Afraid that she ultimately won't be the person who shares your ideals and aspirations?"

"Yes..."

"You are afraid that you will indulge in romantic affection and betray your faith, aren't you?"

Looking at her, Xu Yaoyao's voice broke intermittently due to a lack of physical strength: "Qingchu, tell me, what is your purpose in going to her side?"

Xu Qingchu closed her eyes: "To choose a sovereign whose heart holds the myriad people for the sake of these common masses under heaven, to assist her in securing the throne and aid her in governing the world by her side, and to leverage her power to realize the clear and bright cosmos we desire."

"What if the Wei Zhou dynasty has no such sovereign? What if the person you have chosen turns out not to be such a sovereign either?"

"Those who lose the Way find little support; I will... take her place."

"Good. You see, you are very clear-headed. Then what is there to fear? Since her heart holds you, you will be all the more capable of controlling her. It is up to you to hold the helm for her and ensure she never strays off course. Do not be afraid, do not be afraid—keep your original aspiration firmly in mind, and you will never lose your direction; as for the rest, simply listen to the voice of your heart..."

--